This just in: Criminals escape from Tortoise Prison. Guard says he was outrun. No one surprised. Currently ten prisoners are unnaccounted for:

1) Sid the Sea Lion; A massive fellow of almost 1,000 lbs, Sid was imprisoned for his disgusting play-lion habits. He has had over 50 girlfriends and he is currently one of the most hated Seals of all time among “Cheated Husband Club” and “Boyfriends anonymous’” polls. Sid also enjoys fighting alpha males and hogging the big step at human ports. Yessiree, he may look chubby, cute and fuzzy, but this fellow is tough!

2) Gary the Great Frigate Bird; A warm blooded pirate, this bird has been a criminal since the first day he flew: he is known to have stolen every meal he has ever had. His victims, the blue-footed boobies, reported him to the authorities. He is also known for flashing his massive red neck pouch at any females who pass overhead, accompanied with a loud victory cry. His green tinted, black feathers have now managed to escape from behind bars.

3) Marvin the Magnificent Frigate Bird; Gary’s cousin and partner in crime, Marvin takes care of all the distractions and diversions, using his purple tinted, black feathers. Gary, Sid, and Marvin are all part of the same gang; BØŧher ſeЩÄles Let us hope this gang is soon returned to captivity.

4) Fred the Sharp Beaked Finch; This bird is a murderer!!! Many reports have been given of bugs coming home distraught, after being eaten by Fred!!.........*Ahem* so yes, it appears that Fred was not actually a murderer, but he still internalized insect citizens of the Galapagos and that’s just not okay! Fred was awaiting trial, having entered a plea of “survival of the fittest.”

5) Gobble the Galapagos Shark: Measuring the same size as a really tall human male, this bad boy is often seen prowling around tourist boats at night. He is said to be the most aggressive of his bunch and is curious when divers approach. He was imprisoned for eating an underwater camera. When questioned, he claimed “it was the strangest fish I’d ever seen, I just had to taste it.”

6) Sam the Stupidly Sympathetic Samaritan Sea cucumber; Sam’s story is a simple one. For years everyone tolerated his annoying habit of being nice to everything he saw. He and his kind are the only creatures that clean the oceans, but he doesn’t brag. He once expelled most of his internal organs to get away from a predator, but other than that he’s the perfect goody two shoes. Anyway, eventually the Sheriff, (Speedo the Sea Turtle) ordered his arrest on the charge of him having “... crossed a line I didn’t think was possible to cross.”

7) Charlie the Crab; Charlie likes to eat. He’ll eat anything he finds dead and abandoned. He tried to enjoy life, for he probably be eventually eaten by a Heron or octopus or something. Unfortunately for Charlie, inmates are off limits.

8) Patty the Puffer-fish; Patty was convicted of poisoning the shocking number of 47 predators. Harvesting the deadly poison of her barbs, she set out on a vendetta against all predators that refused to address her as Patty the all Powerful. Since puffer-fish are the second most poisonous vertebrate (after the Golden Poison Frog) she was quite successful. We think she is a bit bonkers. Well, maybe a lot.

9)Matthew the Marine Iguana; Cold, calculating, and deceivingly lazy, Matthew and his kind enjoy spending their days lying on rocks in big groups, often on top of each other, and swimming in the ocean. Able to hold their breath for up to 30 minutes underwater, the Marine Iguana eats algae on rocks. Matthew is known for two things. The first; One day Matthew was swimming along in a little grotto near his colony, weaving his tail like a snake in the water and looking for some nice algae, when a Sea Lion spotted his tail. The Sea Lion was curious and played with the tail, so basically he bit Matthew’s tail and started shaking him around. Matthew was never able to swim the same way again, thanks to his shortened tail. This led to what got him in to jail in the first place. Consumed with anger and grief at the loss of his tail, he acted very much like a teenager: he snapped at someone without much provocation. Often little lava lizards will sit on Marine Iguana’s heads or backs, neither minds. Matthew, however, snapped. Yes, he literally snapped at the lava lizard that chosen his back for a sunbathing location. He was an herbivore, but he still did considerable damage to our poor little friend. He was soon convicted, and had to call his cousin for help breaking out of his cell. Since the land cells were already filled, we had to build him a ½ land ½ water cell.

10) Larry the Land Iguana; The cousin of Matthew the Marine Iguana, Larry had a flawless record until Matthew called for help. Larry struck a deal with two trios of shady land Iguanas, (Literally and figuratively [their scales were extra black]). The plan was that the MI6 would sneak in to the prison and free Matteó. Simple, right? Wrong. Someone had tipped the authorities off about a possible rescue attempt, and he had been moved to a higher security cell, completely underwater, with a small breathing tube that reached up in to one of the compounds above. The cell lock, even if you knew the combo, took 45 minutes to open, and they all clicked back if you moved 5 inches away from them: Making it impossible for any rescue from the outside or inside the cell. Naturally, MI6 was caught, arrested and interrogated. It wasn’t long until Larry was tracked down and captured. Being as big as a medium sized dog and much heavier, Larry would need his own cell. He also ate cactus fruits for sustenance and, like all iguanas needed sunlight. Thus Larry was moved to an aboveground cell. There he stayed, peacefully playing “Bridge” and “Sequence” with his guards until this fateful prison break. He has the most tragic story of this bunch, and is a perfect example of a good Iguana gone bad under peer pressure. Let us all pray to Poseidon that these low-lives and riff-raffs are soon caught and put behind, stronger, and in scooter’s case, smaller mesh bars. This is the Galapagos Gasper, typing off. Please remember that you can find more copies of our newspaper in your local reef store. Below, more pictures of visitors hiking around Old Galapagos town.